Dating While Young and Black
The biggest problem for me when dating is that people (men and women) seem to associate material success with emotional needs. Far too often men wonder what they can “give me” since it is apparent that as an upwardly mobile young woman I can get most of what I need by myself. However, what I can obtain materially has nothing to do with what I need emotionally.
The whole dating scene confuses me. I would think that with women having more opportunities dating and marriage would be easier because instead of marrying for money, fear of destitution, or financial security people would marry because they are an emotional and personality match. All that money talk, while of course being an important conversation to have, is not the center of the relationship because both parties don’t have to worry about being taken care of or taking care of each other. Rather they can focus on fulfilling each other emotionally and spiritually.
Apparently I’m living in la-la land with this approach. In order for this to happen people have to redefine manhood not by what he provides materially but what he can do spiritually and we simply haven’t gotten that far. In fact there is a back lash—women are advancing too much and destroying men and their sense of manhood by not relying on them for money and financial security. When a man looks at me and says, “Well damn you have everything, what’s a brotha to do?” I list all of the things I would need from my man: companionship, affection, attention, a good sense of humor, and social awareness. What do any of these things have to do with his paycheck?
Perhaps the better argument to make is that men need to be financially stable in order to provide me with the emotional support I need. However, that is a very different argument from I am too financially stable for a man to love me. The latter argument makes no sense and says more about a faulty definition of manhood than it does about my actions. Everyone should strive for economic independence—I mean it is the year 2007 for crying out loud! But I’ll be damned if I am going to feel bad for taking care of myself and actually demanding excellence of person and strength of character in the men I date.
Or perhaps what men are really angry about is that they see women as competing with them for the very jobs they believe will make them whole. I certainly think this is case with black people—we compete with each other mercilessly. Rather than realizing that was has gotten us through white savagery has been a reorganization of the black family and black community with women being leaders (and note that this does not equate to a destruction of black people—hello!), we are starting to cling to problematic notions of manhood and womanhood that even white people started to slowly abandon in the 70s.
I truly believe that the shake up between black men and women in the dating field is the result of a lack of consciousness. Consciousness DOES NOT mean being anti-white; rather it means being aware of the beliefs and actions that are detrimental to your self esteem and self determination. It means realizing that the definition of manhood that emphasizes control and aggression actually makes you a weaker man as your self worth is determined on how many people you can dominate; it means acknowledging that playing the helpless female will make you dependent on other people for your salvation and survival and thus a non-existent individual. It means you do not spend your life on an endless quest for material possessions while ignoring the fact that you are still not happy.
Lack of consciousness, unfortunately for black people is seen as an aspect of freedom: white people don’t have to think so why should I? Integration has demanded that we release our vigilance when it comes to all matters (not just racial ones) and boy have we done a great job with that.
However, those who don’t think are quick to be dominated and filled with hatred and suspicion. They don’t know why they do the things they do, why they attract the people they attract, why they have so much yet have so little at the same time. They live without integrity: saying one thing and doing another. Talking with these people, they cling to material possessions or aggression to prove their worth without realizing that consciousness demands that you prove yourself in who and how you love.
Thank god I have identified this problem now so I can avoid it. I’m actually off the dating market INDEFINENTLY since I don’t have the energy to deal with the emotional and philosophical baggage that men are bringing to me. I’m all about making friends and am interested in people who are growing emotionally and spiritually REGARDLESS of their economic position (and please believe poor people aren’t the only ones who need some awakening).
It’s kind of refreshing.
