Not Having Babies

Thank you Ben Casnocha and Aimee (two bloggers that I greatly admire) for starting this dialogue. I have been struggling with how to express my ambivalence towards becoming a mother and it is nice to know that I am not the only one who is ok with the idea of being childless.

One of my co-workers talks to me all of the time about her desire to become a mother. She goes on and on about wanting children then looks at me and asks “Allison, aren’t you excited to have lots of babies?”

I smile, nod, and continue my work. To be honest my desire to have children wavers from “no” to “maybe” yet never an enthusiastic “yes.” And even in the presence of people eager to have children, pretending to want babies is one lie that I have never been able to tell.

The issue with me is not children. If you like children there are a myriad of ways of to become involved with them from teaching to counseling to being godparent or unofficial aunt or uncle. Yet becoming a parent is a completely different responsibility that I cant ever imagine taking on.

It’s not just a matter of wanting to be a career woman with nothing in my way. I’ll be real: my career aspirations aren’t power driven. I am a huge fan of simple living and strong social networks so the idea of work being the main focus of my life is not appealing in the slightest. It also has little to do with the fear of not being able to provide for them. I am an upwardly mobile young woman with decent credit, no loans, and great potential. Rather, the issue is motherhood: a permanent role with responsibilities that I just do not care for. The job description simply does not interest me. When I think of my future children are not, nor have they ever been, in it.

And my lack of interest is enough for me to keep it moving. However, it is not enough for others. “How could you not want a baby?” “God says be fruitful and multiply!” “We need black women like you to raise strong black people.”

What these people fail to realize is that at the very least children must be WANTED. It is ignorant and downright selfish to bring a child into this world because you feel that is what you are “supposed to do.” I’ve seen enough depressed mothers and frustrated fathers to make me realize that regardless of economic background a genuine dedication to their children and understanding of their responsibilities as a parent is what can make or break a family.

We scoff at those who pursue ideas and materials with no justification. We label those people as followers and sheep and expect people in this age of readily available information to make sound decisions. Why should having a child be different? Seriously. Why do you want to have child? Because they are cute? (so are kittens) Because you want to raise strong black men/women? (be a mentor or, better yet, look at your own family and start helping out) Because the Bible says so? (having children you don’t want because the bible says so seems to defeat the purpose since those children have a higher chance of becoming menaces).

This does not mean that people who had children were “recklessly procreating” or that I am somehow enlightened in the area of parenting. Yet it does mean that I am not “abnormal” or “strange” for understanding that, like most things, parenthood is not for everyone–especially those who couldnt care less.

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