Entry Level Living

First, I had an amazing weekend. I relaxed, did a little bit of work, applied for jobs, and went out with the first sweet guy I have met in a really long time.

This gentleman and I hit it off immediately. The setting was laid back and we were just vibing–being open and enjoying each other’s company. At one point he says to me, “I cant believe someone like you would date someone like me.” When I asked him what he meant, he proceeded to explain that he usually doesnt get college girls–he said he felt weird, almost like he wasnt good enough since he is not a college grad.

This isnt the first time that this has come up. In general most of the men I date and am attracted to tend be, for lack of a better word, average–not particularly stunning, not particularly outstanding in conventional ways. Yet there is always something about the men that I date that makes me fall for them. The ease of communication, the no bullshit attitude, and the familiarity of lifestyle make it so much easier for me to form relationships with them. Sure, I went to an uppity school full of uppity people and have adapted some uppity ways, but when push comes to shove I retreat to what’s most familiar even though as I get older, I grow further and further away from it (which is both negative and positive).

There is a part of me that, on the one hand is proud of my academic accomplishments yet has dedicated myself to using my knowledge to better the lives of others and feels generally useless when I sit around patting myself on the back. Therefore, talking just to hear myself talk is counter productive. You cant look down on the people whom you believe are being systematically treated unfairly. How often have I heard, “Oh my god poverty is so bad, but ew, he doesnt have this job/he talks this way/he cant give me this/I cant get along with them/etc etc” The very premise is hypocritical to me.

However, there are big differences. For one, my education is extremely important to me. I love reading and writing and it is difficult to, say, discuss progressive ideas of black masculinity with someone who hasn’t even encountered the view that there is something wrong with current black masculinities. A major issue that comes up is language/speech. I sound, and I say this with the acknowledgment that the phrase is problematic, like white girl (except when Im pissed–then it’s all street, for real). Just as I must explain to my friends and family why my man is working class, he must also explain to his friends why he is dating an uppity black girl. (My date and I got into all of these issues. God it felt so good to have it all on the table).

Not to mention the gender dynamics: I am a woman who is “smarter” and has better job opportunities–what does this mean for traditional views of manhood? Perhaps it wouldnt be a big deal if I were not college educated yet the man I dated was…girls are supposed to marry up, right?

Thus, in general, I find it difficult to discuss potential class problems in a relationship–I dont want to come off as holier than thou yet I dont want hide part of my personality. My biggest discomfort comes from the assumption that a college degree makes me a “good” person and that a person’s job dictates their value. Not to mention the extremely unsettling notion that I am entering a relationship looking to be taken care off. The very idea of it is so patronizing that I would burn my degree if I even thought of chasing a man simply because of his material possessions (in general I have a really difficult time being babied. I just dont like it–even pet names sometimes rub me the wrong way–this is the unfortunate result of my education lol).

If I teach high school in Philly, for example, making 35K, there are train conductors who make more than that. Technically, he makes more money than I do, yet he would still, because of the job he has be seen as unable to provide for me and “not good enough.” No one asks if he treats me right; if I am happy; how we met; what we do together; what our plans for the future are. Nope. The first question? “What does he do?” And from my answer all judgments are passed.

Sad isnt it? Kind of surprising since historically blacks have been denied access (and in many ways continue to be) to many jobs and social mobility. Thus it would have been insane and downright cruel to say to our mothers and fathers–”hey you are less than because of the job you have.” Grandma took care of white folks. Momma drove buses. And I love them dearly. I guess with greater mobility we feel free to be elitist although the notion is still problematic.

1. Would you date a woman/man of a different class? Why/why not?

2. If you have what were your experiences?

3. How can we (romatically/friendship wise) work through class barriers? Is this even necessary?