Learning to be Single and Happy
Whatever excitement I lack in my job I make up for in my dating life. My job for the past 8 months has been pretty steady with the boredom and foolishness. However, my dating life always has some unexpected curves.
For example, after putting myself back on the dating scene after a few months of laying low I met a wonderful guy. We instantly connected and have spent the past three months together. Three months is a long time, aint it? Well, it is to me. However, I sensed that maybe he was pulling back so I asked him straight up what the deal was. The conversation went a little something like this:
Him: Would it bother you if I had a girlfriend/wife?
Me: Do you?
Him: I like you but I have a girlfriend. How you wanna handle it?
Pause. Breathe.
This was the initial “I’m letting you know you’re just a side chick so don’t go thinking anything special will happen between us” conversation. We talked about it some more and I—being the admittedly lonely young woman that I am—agreed to see him once more. I wont get into the details but needless to say I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. Why? Because I am fully aware of the fact that he will never care for me the way I deserve to be, yet I settled for fifth place so I wouldn’t be alone.
And therein lies the problem.
My best friend told me that I wouldn’t put up with nonsense if I got more comfortable being alone. I agree whole heartedly. I find myself wishing too often for someone to fill up my time. I don’t like my job, I don’t like Philly, and I don’t have many friends here. So not only am I alone, I am unfulfilled and uninspired. All it takes is a little attention to make me feel good and I lose all common sense.
To top it off I came across this lovely article about how upwardly mobile/successful women have an incredibly difficult time landing men.
I am by no means successful and I have a horrible romance life. You mean it only gets worse from here?!!
Hoo-fricking-ray!
I am quick to tell someone that putting too much into your job—especially your first job—can leave you feeling frustrated and disappointed; that it’s important to have a balance between work and personal life. The problem with me is that my personal life clings on the idea of being completed by someone leaving me more prone to romantic frustration and disappointment.
The more I think about it the more I realize that I need to work on completing myself.
Any suggestions?
I know you too well and I know that you find comfort in men, but it’s hard because we are at a time in our lives where a lot of our friends have boyfriends and those that don’t are usually very self-centered, which leaves you feeling pretty alone. I think the best advice is that of your friend. You, like many other women, need to feel comfortable alone and try to find other things to fill your time. Corny as it might sound, take a class, exercise, and surround yourself with the few friend you have. Hope this helps and btw, why do you always find these stupid men????? Love ya!
1) Enjoy your own company. Even if you’re married (I am) you still need to enjoy your own company. Reading, writing, riding, playing a musical instrument, working out, yoga, etc. are all good ways to be in touch with your own inner self. You are no good to another person (partner, spouse, child, or friend) unless you’re comfortable with yourself first. Otherwise you’ll always be looking for completion in a relationship, instead of sharing the journey of life with another soul.
2) Get a pet. It takes the pressure off romantic relationships. If you’re not ready for a cat or dog, try a beta fish. They’re beautiful and low maintenance, and you can spend hours watching their graceful swimming. Plants are good too, and a garden if you can do it. Learning to nurther other creatures reminds you take care of yourself, better.
3) If you have free time, improve your health, your spirituality, your job prospects, your education, or reach out to friends and family and see how you can help, others. Volunteer work can improve your self-esteem, and focus the mind on what’s really important in life. It also leads to networking. Join a Quaker or UU congregation.
4) Increase the point size of your comments section, please! (I could barely read this. & I don’t think it’s my browser alone. Pretty please!)
Best wishes!
you should definately get my audio work lol
but seriously even though i have the knowledge i sometimes don’t use it because i don’t have the desire to use it
sometimes people piss you off to the point that you don’t even want to bother because you want to get back at them
you are very beautiful
you should have noooooooooooo problem getting a good guy lol
Societies value, teach and encourage partnerships. In my opinion, our culture fails to teach us that being in a relationship has more dimensions than “I gotta boyfriend/girlfriend.” Relationships florish when people are able to communicate honestly–when there are common objectives. Partnerships thrive and grow when each person is secure in him/herself. But how do we discover our authentic selves? Based on my experience that knowledge comes with age. I confess to being a bit developmentally delayed because I had my first child at age 18, got married at 21 and now at age 50, I’m just finding my inner voice (better late than never). So I promote being patient with life and love. And don’t have children or get married before age 30!!!!!
@ Nat, Yvette, and James: I think we need a shift in paradigm when it comes to relationships. Not finding the one to *complete* me but rather to *complement* me.
@ Joyce: yes–so much more goes into a relationship than good feelings. Relationships are work! It’s important to realize whether or not you are ready for that kind of commitment.
I am experiencing a similar problem. Everyone’s answers however didn’t help me one bit. Its not the issue of finding something to fill that spare time, it’s the problem of society telling us we have to get married and have kids. It’s a stupid natural instinct that we have and want to over come so that we can feel complete without a partner. I don’t want to have to feel this way anymore. I want to feel happy in the thought I may and probably will never get married and have kids. I want to know that I can be happy just being me. I have so often had many a day where I would paint or work on my music and have so many hobbies and run my own business which I love, and yet still cry because of lost past relationships that I still care about and am emotionally attached to as well as the idea of getting married and having a family. The one thing I wanted most growing up was to have a husband there to love and support me in all I do and have kids to raise and pass on my legacies to. How can I be happy single, I truly want to know how I can let go of all those desires and dreams and embrace singleness to its fullest and not feel depression over this missing element in my life that I can never have. I want to be happy without it, but I can’t seem to figure out how. No ones advice seems to quite understand what it really is I am saying or looking for. I hate it also that when you look for websites addressing anything close to this issue, they advertise dating sites. I don’t want to date; I want to learn how to live without it! I want to learn how to be happy completely single and dateless. Why is it society can’t get that in their stupid little heads? I suppose no one can really help or understand.
Hey Allison,
I’m a bit late on the comment scene but I would love to see an updated post on this same topic. Are you still single? And if so, are you happy? I think many of us (women and men) have been in the same boat but we all have to learn to be happy by ourselves. We came into this world alone and we;ll die alone. Never settle for less than what you deserve! If you do, you’ll just be as miserable as someone who is alone. And what’s the use especially if you’re with someone?! Happiness is a state of mind. When you look and feel happy, you attract more positive people who want to keep that smile on your face! Just my 2 cents…
@kat – in regards to your comment, “it’s the problem of society telling us we have to get married and have kids. It’s a stupid natural instinct that we have and want to over come so that we can feel complete without a partner.”
I don’t I have the “get married” instinct, but what I know is that you will never be happy if you continually try to fit into society’s view of what you should be or want. I think my greatest achievement thus far (I’m sure my mom doesn’t feel this way) is that I DO NOT adhere to cultural/societal norms. Who cares what society thinks?! We came in this world alone and we’ll die alone. Do what makes you happy! And on another note, dating is a healthy part of life. It keeps you on your toes, helps develop interpersonal skills, and who knows you might just meet that special someone whether you’re looking for him/her or not. You shouldn’t let go of your desires and dreams of passing on a legacy. Perhaps you just need to find another way to make your dreams a reality. I don’t know if my 2 cents has helped any but I wish you all the best in your search for whatever it is you really want. Go out there and get it!
Happy holidays everyone!
Chanelle
What an awesome, honest article, and so many great comments! I especially agree with Kat about society’s wierd, unhealthy obsession with partnering and kids. Like Chanelle, my coblogger Lisa and I are coming to the discussion a little late, but we would also be interested in an update!
–Lisa and Christina (of Onely)
I found this post after putting ‘learning to be single’ into Google.
In September I broke up with a boyfriend of four years. On New Year’s eve I met a handsome guy and we sort of got together. We don’t live near each other so we’ve only seen each other weekends since then but we speak every other day. The thing is, he’s lovely, but he’s just not THAT lovely. When I’m with him I get bored really quickly and find things he does frustrating.
I found your post really useful because I can see how it mirrors my own behaviour. When I’m not with this guy I’m constantly wondering when he’s next going to call. But why, when I don’t even think he’s that great?! It’s because I feel this strange need to be with someone.
I realised this today and I also realised that investing all of my self-worth in somebody else is pointless because there is nobody, but nobody, that I can trust to be around forever apart from myself.
So – like you, I want to know how I can be enough for me.
Any ideas? Has your situation progressed?
Thanks,
Josie
i know exactly…. my marriage broke up about 5 months ago. and ever since then i have been almost obsessively dating. looking for a man. feeling i have to meet the one and i have really experienced disappointment after disappointment. a blessing in disguise because now i have come to the reality that i need time on my own. i need to function on my own and learn to be happy without a man.im not happy when im with them anyhow cause they make me feel totally insecure or maybe i am really insecure myself. so i am giving me a total 4 to 6 month break from men to find myself. why do i feel the need to have a man. i found i was totally acting out of FEAR. fear of being on my own. i have no problem initally meeting men as i am attractive…. but it is how i feel about myself on the inside that matters…. the next 4 months are going to be really hard and an eye opener.
People give too much importance to communucation. “If couples know how to communicate” as become a cliche. People need more than communication and we live in a world where each person has individual needs and agendas that change fast, thus making difficult relationships to keep up with changes.We have to learn to be alone and not expect others to keep us happy.Of course there are people who mate for long period or even for ever, but this is a matter of coincidene not something we can expect.Let’s say a kind of rommance-lotto. But we can’t rely on winning the lotto.So we cannot rely on relationhip to be for ever. We have to learn to live alone and appreciate our solitude, otherwise we are set for dsapointment in life.
This is interesting. I live in Kenya and I share the same feelings as Kate. I’ve always had the nagging feeling to be with someone. All of my friends are either married or have boyfriends and this makes it worse. I really dread weekends because it means another two days of hanging out on my own. There’s all this literature about being single and happy, loving yourself, enjoying your freedom etc. The advice only works during the day when i’m busy, but boy! Nights sure are tough! I fear going through life on my own and not having a family. I want to be loved and taken care of. Fine, I am taking care of myself but y’all know what i mean. So Kate, i feel you.
I too have had the nagging feeling of being with someone. Im 36 and have been more or less single for 5 years now. I had been in a 10 year relationship all through my twenties and when it ended i was devastated. Since then, ive tried online dating, normal dating, filling my time as much as possible and tried to adjust to being on my own. Things started to change for me about a year ago. I decided to help out at a dog rescue once a week (i love dogs so it was great), I then put an advert on a free local website looking for female friends in the same sort of position as me. We now see each regularly as a group or sub group and have great fun. Six months ago, I decided to go for it and I adopted a dog who loves me unconditionally and always cheers me up when im down (which doesnt happen too often these days). I now feel strong, independent and i have a great social life as well as enjoying quiet time like walking my dog or sitting in alone watching films or whatever. My point is that although it would be great to meet someone special (and they would have to be very special), that ultimately the only person who can really make you happy is yourself. We all have it in our power to turn things round…it takes time, determination and courage. Just keep picking yourself up and trying new things then one day you’ll realise you are already happy on your own