Learning to be Single and Happy
Whatever excitement I lack in my job I make up for in my dating life. My job for the past 8 months has been pretty steady with the boredom and foolishness. However, my dating life always has some unexpected curves.
For example, after putting myself back on the dating scene after a few months of laying low I met a wonderful guy. We instantly connected and have spent the past three months together. Three months is a long time, aint it? Well, it is to me. However, I sensed that maybe he was pulling back so I asked him straight up what the deal was. The conversation went a little something like this:
Him: Would it bother you if I had a girlfriend/wife?
Me: Do you?
Him: I like you but I have a girlfriend. How you wanna handle it?
Pause. Breathe.
This was the initial “I’m letting you know you’re just a side chick so don’t go thinking anything special will happen between us” conversation. We talked about it some more and I—being the admittedly lonely young woman that I am—agreed to see him once more. I wont get into the details but needless to say I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. Why? Because I am fully aware of the fact that he will never care for me the way I deserve to be, yet I settled for fifth place so I wouldn’t be alone.
And therein lies the problem.
My best friend told me that I wouldn’t put up with nonsense if I got more comfortable being alone. I agree whole heartedly. I find myself wishing too often for someone to fill up my time. I don’t like my job, I don’t like Philly, and I don’t have many friends here. So not only am I alone, I am unfulfilled and uninspired. All it takes is a little attention to make me feel good and I lose all common sense.
To top it off I came across this lovely article about how upwardly mobile/successful women have an incredibly difficult time landing men.
I am by no means successful and I have a horrible romance life. You mean it only gets worse from here?!!
Hoo-fricking-ray!
I am quick to tell someone that putting too much into your job—especially your first job—can leave you feeling frustrated and disappointed; that it’s important to have a balance between work and personal life. The problem with me is that my personal life clings on the idea of being completed by someone leaving me more prone to romantic frustration and disappointment.
The more I think about it the more I realize that I need to work on completing myself.
Any suggestions?
I know you too well and I know that you find comfort in men, but it’s hard because we are at a time in our lives where a lot of our friends have boyfriends and those that don’t are usually very self-centered, which leaves you feeling pretty alone. I think the best advice is that of your friend. You, like many other women, need to feel comfortable alone and try to find other things to fill your time. Corny as it might sound, take a class, exercise, and surround yourself with the few friend you have. Hope this helps and btw, why do you always find these stupid men????? Love ya!
1) Enjoy your own company. Even if you’re married (I am) you still need to enjoy your own company. Reading, writing, riding, playing a musical instrument, working out, yoga, etc. are all good ways to be in touch with your own inner self. You are no good to another person (partner, spouse, child, or friend) unless you’re comfortable with yourself first. Otherwise you’ll always be looking for completion in a relationship, instead of sharing the journey of life with another soul.
2) Get a pet. It takes the pressure off romantic relationships. If you’re not ready for a cat or dog, try a beta fish. They’re beautiful and low maintenance, and you can spend hours watching their graceful swimming. Plants are good too, and a garden if you can do it. Learning to nurther other creatures reminds you take care of yourself, better.
3) If you have free time, improve your health, your spirituality, your job prospects, your education, or reach out to friends and family and see how you can help, others. Volunteer work can improve your self-esteem, and focus the mind on what’s really important in life. It also leads to networking. Join a Quaker or UU congregation.
4) Increase the point size of your comments section, please! (I could barely read this. & I don’t think it’s my browser alone. Pretty please!)
Best wishes!
you should definately get my audio work lol
but seriously even though i have the knowledge i sometimes don’t use it because i don’t have the desire to use it
sometimes people piss you off to the point that you don’t even want to bother because you want to get back at them
you are very beautiful
you should have noooooooooooo problem getting a good guy lol
Societies value, teach and encourage partnerships. In my opinion, our culture fails to teach us that being in a relationship has more dimensions than “I gotta boyfriend/girlfriend.” Relationships florish when people are able to communicate honestly–when there are common objectives. Partnerships thrive and grow when each person is secure in him/herself. But how do we discover our authentic selves? Based on my experience that knowledge comes with age. I confess to being a bit developmentally delayed because I had my first child at age 18, got married at 21 and now at age 50, I’m just finding my inner voice (better late than never). So I promote being patient with life and love. And don’t have children or get married before age 30!!!!!
@ Nat, Yvette, and James: I think we need a shift in paradigm when it comes to relationships. Not finding the one to *complete* me but rather to *complement* me.
@ Joyce: yes–so much more goes into a relationship than good feelings. Relationships are work! It’s important to realize whether or not you are ready for that kind of commitment.