Comments on: Learning to be Single and Happy http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/learning-to-be-single-and-happy/ The Personal and Professional Insights of a Struggling College Grad Thu, 03 Dec 2009 05:34:46 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: Lal http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/learning-to-be-single-and-happy/#comment-1136 Lal Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:39:33 +0000 http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/?p=52#comment-1136 I too have had the nagging feeling of being with someone. Im 36 and have been more or less single for 5 years now. I had been in a 10 year relationship all through my twenties and when it ended i was devastated. Since then, ive tried online dating, normal dating, filling my time as much as possible and tried to adjust to being on my own. Things started to change for me about a year ago. I decided to help out at a dog rescue once a week (i love dogs so it was great), I then put an advert on a free local website looking for female friends in the same sort of position as me. We now see each regularly as a group or sub group and have great fun. Six months ago, I decided to go for it and I adopted a dog who loves me unconditionally and always cheers me up when im down (which doesnt happen too often these days). I now feel strong, independent and i have a great social life as well as enjoying quiet time like walking my dog or sitting in alone watching films or whatever. My point is that although it would be great to meet someone special (and they would have to be very special), that ultimately the only person who can really make you happy is yourself. We all have it in our power to turn things round...it takes time, determination and courage. Just keep picking yourself up and trying new things then one day you'll realise you are already happy on your own :) I too have had the nagging feeling of being with someone. Im 36 and have been more or less single for 5 years now. I had been in a 10 year relationship all through my twenties and when it ended i was devastated. Since then, ive tried online dating, normal dating, filling my time as much as possible and tried to adjust to being on my own. Things started to change for me about a year ago. I decided to help out at a dog rescue once a week (i love dogs so it was great), I then put an advert on a free local website looking for female friends in the same sort of position as me. We now see each regularly as a group or sub group and have great fun. Six months ago, I decided to go for it and I adopted a dog who loves me unconditionally and always cheers me up when im down (which doesnt happen too often these days). I now feel strong, independent and i have a great social life as well as enjoying quiet time like walking my dog or sitting in alone watching films or whatever. My point is that although it would be great to meet someone special (and they would have to be very special), that ultimately the only person who can really make you happy is yourself. We all have it in our power to turn things round…it takes time, determination and courage. Just keep picking yourself up and trying new things then one day you’ll realise you are already happy on your own :)

]]> By: Rosa http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/learning-to-be-single-and-happy/#comment-1110 Rosa Thu, 11 Jun 2009 21:14:52 +0000 http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/?p=52#comment-1110 This is interesting. I live in Kenya and I share the same feelings as Kate. I've always had the nagging feeling to be with someone. All of my friends are either married or have boyfriends and this makes it worse. I really dread weekends because it means another two days of hanging out on my own. There's all this literature about being single and happy, loving yourself, enjoying your freedom etc. The advice only works during the day when i'm busy, but boy! Nights sure are tough! I fear going through life on my own and not having a family. I want to be loved and taken care of. Fine, I am taking care of myself but y'all know what i mean. So Kate, i feel you. This is interesting. I live in Kenya and I share the same feelings as Kate. I’ve always had the nagging feeling to be with someone. All of my friends are either married or have boyfriends and this makes it worse. I really dread weekends because it means another two days of hanging out on my own. There’s all this literature about being single and happy, loving yourself, enjoying your freedom etc. The advice only works during the day when i’m busy, but boy! Nights sure are tough! I fear going through life on my own and not having a family. I want to be loved and taken care of. Fine, I am taking care of myself but y’all know what i mean. So Kate, i feel you.

]]> By: Achilles http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/learning-to-be-single-and-happy/#comment-1102 Achilles Mon, 08 Jun 2009 22:26:30 +0000 http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/?p=52#comment-1102 People give too much importance to communucation. "If couples know how to communicate" as become a cliche. People need more than communication and we live in a world where each person has individual needs and agendas that change fast, thus making difficult relationships to keep up with changes.We have to learn to be alone and not expect others to keep us happy.Of course there are people who mate for long period or even for ever, but this is a matter of coincidene not something we can expect.Let's say a kind of rommance-lotto. But we can't rely on winning the lotto.So we cannot rely on relationhip to be for ever. We have to learn to live alone and appreciate our solitude, otherwise we are set for dsapointment in life. People give too much importance to communucation. “If couples know how to communicate” as become a cliche. People need more than communication and we live in a world where each person has individual needs and agendas that change fast, thus making difficult relationships to keep up with changes.We have to learn to be alone and not expect others to keep us happy.Of course there are people who mate for long period or even for ever, but this is a matter of coincidene not something we can expect.Let’s say a kind of rommance-lotto. But we can’t rely on winning the lotto.So we cannot rely on relationhip to be for ever. We have to learn to live alone and appreciate our solitude, otherwise we are set for dsapointment in life.

]]> By: suzanne http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/learning-to-be-single-and-happy/#comment-696 suzanne Thu, 12 Mar 2009 07:31:13 +0000 http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/?p=52#comment-696 i know exactly.... my marriage broke up about 5 months ago. and ever since then i have been almost obsessively dating. looking for a man. feeling i have to meet the one and i have really experienced disappointment after disappointment. a blessing in disguise because now i have come to the reality that i need time on my own. i need to function on my own and learn to be happy without a man.im not happy when im with them anyhow cause they make me feel totally insecure or maybe i am really insecure myself. so i am giving me a total 4 to 6 month break from men to find myself. why do i feel the need to have a man. i found i was totally acting out of FEAR. fear of being on my own. i have no problem initally meeting men as i am attractive.... but it is how i feel about myself on the inside that matters.... the next 4 months are going to be really hard and an eye opener. i know exactly…. my marriage broke up about 5 months ago. and ever since then i have been almost obsessively dating. looking for a man. feeling i have to meet the one and i have really experienced disappointment after disappointment. a blessing in disguise because now i have come to the reality that i need time on my own. i need to function on my own and learn to be happy without a man.im not happy when im with them anyhow cause they make me feel totally insecure or maybe i am really insecure myself. so i am giving me a total 4 to 6 month break from men to find myself. why do i feel the need to have a man. i found i was totally acting out of FEAR. fear of being on my own. i have no problem initally meeting men as i am attractive…. but it is how i feel about myself on the inside that matters…. the next 4 months are going to be really hard and an eye opener.

]]> By: Josie http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/learning-to-be-single-and-happy/#comment-695 Josie Wed, 11 Mar 2009 23:18:04 +0000 http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/?p=52#comment-695 I found this post after putting 'learning to be single' into Google. In September I broke up with a boyfriend of four years. On New Year's eve I met a handsome guy and we sort of got together. We don't live near each other so we've only seen each other weekends since then but we speak every other day. The thing is, he's lovely, but he's just not THAT lovely. When I'm with him I get bored really quickly and find things he does frustrating. I found your post really useful because I can see how it mirrors my own behaviour. When I'm not with this guy I'm constantly wondering when he's next going to call. But why, when I don't even think he's that great?! It's because I feel this strange need to be with someone. I realised this today and I also realised that investing all of my self-worth in somebody else is pointless because there is nobody, but nobody, that I can trust to be around forever apart from myself. So - like you, I want to know how I can be enough for me. Any ideas? Has your situation progressed? Thanks, Josie I found this post after putting ‘learning to be single’ into Google.

In September I broke up with a boyfriend of four years. On New Year’s eve I met a handsome guy and we sort of got together. We don’t live near each other so we’ve only seen each other weekends since then but we speak every other day. The thing is, he’s lovely, but he’s just not THAT lovely. When I’m with him I get bored really quickly and find things he does frustrating.

I found your post really useful because I can see how it mirrors my own behaviour. When I’m not with this guy I’m constantly wondering when he’s next going to call. But why, when I don’t even think he’s that great?! It’s because I feel this strange need to be with someone.

I realised this today and I also realised that investing all of my self-worth in somebody else is pointless because there is nobody, but nobody, that I can trust to be around forever apart from myself.

So – like you, I want to know how I can be enough for me.

Any ideas? Has your situation progressed?

Thanks,

Josie

]]> By: onely http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/learning-to-be-single-and-happy/#comment-663 onely Mon, 02 Mar 2009 00:38:50 +0000 http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/?p=52#comment-663 What an awesome, honest article, and so many great comments! I especially agree with Kat about society's wierd, unhealthy obsession with partnering and kids. Like Chanelle, my coblogger Lisa and I are coming to the discussion a little late, but we would also be interested in an update! --Lisa and Christina (of Onely) What an awesome, honest article, and so many great comments! I especially agree with Kat about society’s wierd, unhealthy obsession with partnering and kids. Like Chanelle, my coblogger Lisa and I are coming to the discussion a little late, but we would also be interested in an update!
–Lisa and Christina (of Onely)

]]> By: Chanelle Carver http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/learning-to-be-single-and-happy/#comment-530 Chanelle Carver Thu, 25 Dec 2008 20:36:55 +0000 http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/?p=52#comment-530 Hey Allison, I'm a bit late on the comment scene but I would love to see an updated post on this same topic. Are you still single? And if so, are you happy? I think many of us (women and men) have been in the same boat but we all have to learn to be happy by ourselves. We came into this world alone and we;ll die alone. Never settle for less than what you deserve! If you do, you'll just be as miserable as someone who is alone. And what's the use especially if you're with someone?! Happiness is a state of mind. When you look and feel happy, you attract more positive people who want to keep that smile on your face! Just my 2 cents... @kat - in regards to your comment, "it’s the problem of society telling us we have to get married and have kids. It’s a stupid natural instinct that we have and want to over come so that we can feel complete without a partner." I don't I have the "get married" instinct, but what I know is that you will never be happy if you continually try to fit into society's view of what you should be or want. I think my greatest achievement thus far (I'm sure my mom doesn't feel this way) is that I DO NOT adhere to cultural/societal norms. Who cares what society thinks?! We came in this world alone and we'll die alone. Do what makes you happy! And on another note, dating is a healthy part of life. It keeps you on your toes, helps develop interpersonal skills, and who knows you might just meet that special someone whether you're looking for him/her or not. You shouldn't let go of your desires and dreams of passing on a legacy. Perhaps you just need to find another way to make your dreams a reality. I don't know if my 2 cents has helped any but I wish you all the best in your search for whatever it is you really want. Go out there and get it! Happy holidays everyone! Chanelle Hey Allison,

I’m a bit late on the comment scene but I would love to see an updated post on this same topic. Are you still single? And if so, are you happy? I think many of us (women and men) have been in the same boat but we all have to learn to be happy by ourselves. We came into this world alone and we;ll die alone. Never settle for less than what you deserve! If you do, you’ll just be as miserable as someone who is alone. And what’s the use especially if you’re with someone?! Happiness is a state of mind. When you look and feel happy, you attract more positive people who want to keep that smile on your face! Just my 2 cents…

@kat – in regards to your comment, “it’s the problem of society telling us we have to get married and have kids. It’s a stupid natural instinct that we have and want to over come so that we can feel complete without a partner.”

I don’t I have the “get married” instinct, but what I know is that you will never be happy if you continually try to fit into society’s view of what you should be or want. I think my greatest achievement thus far (I’m sure my mom doesn’t feel this way) is that I DO NOT adhere to cultural/societal norms. Who cares what society thinks?! We came in this world alone and we’ll die alone. Do what makes you happy! And on another note, dating is a healthy part of life. It keeps you on your toes, helps develop interpersonal skills, and who knows you might just meet that special someone whether you’re looking for him/her or not. You shouldn’t let go of your desires and dreams of passing on a legacy. Perhaps you just need to find another way to make your dreams a reality. I don’t know if my 2 cents has helped any but I wish you all the best in your search for whatever it is you really want. Go out there and get it!

Happy holidays everyone!

Chanelle

]]> By: kat http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/learning-to-be-single-and-happy/#comment-380 kat Wed, 08 Oct 2008 06:13:32 +0000 http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/?p=52#comment-380 I am experiencing a similar problem. Everyone’s answers however didn’t help me one bit. Its not the issue of finding something to fill that spare time, it’s the problem of society telling us we have to get married and have kids. It’s a stupid natural instinct that we have and want to over come so that we can feel complete without a partner. I don't want to have to feel this way anymore. I want to feel happy in the thought I may and probably will never get married and have kids. I want to know that I can be happy just being me. I have so often had many a day where I would paint or work on my music and have so many hobbies and run my own business which I love, and yet still cry because of lost past relationships that I still care about and am emotionally attached to as well as the idea of getting married and having a family. The one thing I wanted most growing up was to have a husband there to love and support me in all I do and have kids to raise and pass on my legacies to. How can I be happy single, I truly want to know how I can let go of all those desires and dreams and embrace singleness to its fullest and not feel depression over this missing element in my life that I can never have. I want to be happy without it, but I can’t seem to figure out how. No ones advice seems to quite understand what it really is I am saying or looking for. I hate it also that when you look for websites addressing anything close to this issue, they advertise dating sites. I don’t want to date; I want to learn how to live without it! I want to learn how to be happy completely single and dateless. Why is it society can’t get that in their stupid little heads? I suppose no one can really help or understand. I am experiencing a similar problem. Everyone’s answers however didn’t help me one bit. Its not the issue of finding something to fill that spare time, it’s the problem of society telling us we have to get married and have kids. It’s a stupid natural instinct that we have and want to over come so that we can feel complete without a partner. I don’t want to have to feel this way anymore. I want to feel happy in the thought I may and probably will never get married and have kids. I want to know that I can be happy just being me. I have so often had many a day where I would paint or work on my music and have so many hobbies and run my own business which I love, and yet still cry because of lost past relationships that I still care about and am emotionally attached to as well as the idea of getting married and having a family. The one thing I wanted most growing up was to have a husband there to love and support me in all I do and have kids to raise and pass on my legacies to. How can I be happy single, I truly want to know how I can let go of all those desires and dreams and embrace singleness to its fullest and not feel depression over this missing element in my life that I can never have. I want to be happy without it, but I can’t seem to figure out how. No ones advice seems to quite understand what it really is I am saying or looking for. I hate it also that when you look for websites addressing anything close to this issue, they advertise dating sites. I don’t want to date; I want to learn how to live without it! I want to learn how to be happy completely single and dateless. Why is it society can’t get that in their stupid little heads? I suppose no one can really help or understand.

]]> By: ajlovesya http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/learning-to-be-single-and-happy/#comment-148 ajlovesya Fri, 09 May 2008 18:54:49 +0000 http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/?p=52#comment-148 @ Nat, Yvette, and James: I think we need a shift in paradigm when it comes to relationships. Not finding the one to *complete* me but rather to *complement* me. @ Joyce: yes--so much more goes into a relationship than good feelings. Relationships are work! It's important to realize whether or not you are ready for that kind of commitment. @ Nat, Yvette, and James: I think we need a shift in paradigm when it comes to relationships. Not finding the one to *complete* me but rather to *complement* me.

@ Joyce: yes–so much more goes into a relationship than good feelings. Relationships are work! It’s important to realize whether or not you are ready for that kind of commitment.

]]> By: joyce http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/learning-to-be-single-and-happy/#comment-135 joyce Sun, 04 May 2008 20:09:29 +0000 http://entrylevelliving.wordpress.com/?p=52#comment-135 Societies value, teach and encourage partnerships. In my opinion, our culture fails to teach us that being in a relationship has more dimensions than "I gotta boyfriend/girlfriend." Relationships florish when people are able to communicate honestly--when there are common objectives. Partnerships thrive and grow when each person is secure in him/herself. But how do we discover our authentic selves? Based on my experience that knowledge comes with age. I confess to being a bit developmentally delayed because I had my first child at age 18, got married at 21 and now at age 50, I'm just finding my inner voice (better late than never). So I promote being patient with life and love. And don't have children or get married before age 30!!!!! Societies value, teach and encourage partnerships. In my opinion, our culture fails to teach us that being in a relationship has more dimensions than “I gotta boyfriend/girlfriend.” Relationships florish when people are able to communicate honestly–when there are common objectives. Partnerships thrive and grow when each person is secure in him/herself. But how do we discover our authentic selves? Based on my experience that knowledge comes with age. I confess to being a bit developmentally delayed because I had my first child at age 18, got married at 21 and now at age 50, I’m just finding my inner voice (better late than never). So I promote being patient with life and love. And don’t have children or get married before age 30!!!!!

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