Entry Level Living

As some of you may know I work with teenagers in a leadership training program. One of the first activities that I had them do was define leadership and give examples of the people who fit that definition. Pretty much everyone listed the same leaders (Martin Luther King Jr, Rosa Parks, and Mom) for the same reasons (they stood up for what is right, she takes care of me when she doesn’t have a lot of money).

While I understand why they chose these leaders I asked them to dig a little deeper. Do all leaders lead the same way? What are some common characteristics of the leaders you listed? What are some of the differences? And, most importantly, with whom do you most connect and why?

During this activity, I realized something: there was little enthusiasm about historical leaders. Many of my students are told over and over again (as I once was when I was in high school) to respect and remain in awe of past black leaders. Students were very much able to connect with and support adults that they see regularly and list why they see these adults as leaders, but when it came to older more prominent leaders it was simply “because they fought for what was right.”

Leadership that results in blind yet ambivalent support is not leadership that inspires. Unfortunately, discussions about black leaders/leadership (like the ones that occur during black history month mainly about the civil rights movement) do not inspire. In fact, they are alienating and rather uninteresting for the following reasons:

1. The individual and their passion are the only things emphasized. To a certain extent this is understandable since in America we value the rugged leader who rises to greatness with nothing more than his persistence. However, the reality is that passion, while being important is only one part of success. Skills and strong support networks are crucial as well.

2. Leaders are spoken about as if they were angels. Show me that these people are human! Perfection is nonexistent and I find that learning about a leader’s problems or short comings does wonders for making me comfortable with the fact that I am not perfect. We can learn from mistakes as well as successes: where did they fail—professionally and personally?

3. The same leaders are talked about ad nauseum. I love people who made history, like Martin Luther King Jr. for example. But seriously—the chance of someone becoming the next MLK is highly unlikely. That’s not to say people shouldn’t dream but how about we look at people who made change locally through small steps?

In other words, while we should appreciate the contributions of many historical leaders, in order to make them inspirational we have to make them accessible. The best leaders inspire us to become great no matter where we are. Yet we can only be receptive to their inspiration if we see them as human; as people who need support , who make mistakes, and who are not the only ones brining about change.

This may seem a little out of place, but in the process of figuring out who I am and what I want out of my professional and personal lives, I am confronted with a myriad of issues related to race and gender and the impact they have on my identity.

A few weeks ago, I went to a round table discussion held at UPENN about black female beauty. While the conversation itself didn’t go anywhere, it highlighted how we need a new way of talking about race that goes beyond the old school approach of “us vs. them” especially when it comes to something as tricky as beauty.

During the discussion, someone asked a great question: what does progress look like? We go on and on about what is BAD and whenever we feel something is holding us back, but what exactly are we striving towards when it comes to beauty?

My ideal society is when we move past dichotomous approaches to beauty. Am I the only who revels in how different our complexions are? In how we can rock different hair colors and hair styles? In how we come in different shapes and sizes? Why does it have to be “natural” hair versus chemically treated hair when some women look great with natural hair styles (Lauryn Hill, Jill Scott) and some look great with chemically treated hair (Beyonce, Queen Latifah)?

For me, the issue is not what you do but why you do it. If you straighten your hair because someone told you curly/kinky hair is ugly or you think it makes you look dirty, then there is a problem. However, if you straighten your hair because it fits your personality and lifestyle, then I don’t see what the problem is.

For example, I usually wear braids because I find it to be the easiest way to deal with my hair. However, the synthetic hair and the tightness of braids makes my scalp itch and pulls out my hair. Also, I have a very pretty face (if I do say so myself); braids tend to hide that. So I took out my braids, straightened and cut my hair and I love how I look. My face is highlighted and looks brighter.

I tell my sisters to experiment with their looks: you wanna cut your hair? Go for it! Wanna try a new color? Why not? Wanna try the punk rock look? Knock yourself out! I really don’t see what the problem is. No single look is for everyone and we are doing ourselves a disservice by pretending that our lives should be either/or.

I recognize that we live in two worlds: one that was created FOR us and one that is created BY us. Creating our own world that doesn’t destroy us and make us susceptible to the needs and desires of the other world is exceedingly difficult; it requires us to be self aware and have a great deal of self determination. This is why the hair/skin complexion issue is so messy: how much of our decisions are based on us and how much of our decisions are based on what other people tell us?

In the discussion she brought up the dominant white aesthetic that black people are either rebelling against or conforming to. And maybe it’s because I recently graduated from college and am from NYC but I see various niches and subcultures that fall in between that spectrum of FOR/AGAINST; our look is drawn from many different places and different influences. This is an old school approach to analyzing race and I wish we would become more comfortable with our complexities.

The last thing we need to do is move from one box to the other. We go on and on about “celebrating diversity”: why dont we celebrate the diversity that exists within a group?

A while ago “Men United for a Better Philadelphia” had a talk that featured Bill Cosby. Nothing said was earth shattering—in fact the talk itself was rather boring. I left a little frustrated not because of the usual “all talk and no action” atmosphere that generally cloaks these events but because I think a lot of people misunderstand what it means to be a young person in today’s world.

It is not enough to simply “mentor” young people: taking them to play basketball and play cards with them in order to “keep them off the streets.” While I understand the importance of strong families and positive relationships, we are dealing with a collective systemic failure that requires more than friendship and kind words. The issue with youth, in particular “inner city youth” is that there is a lack of constructive engagement: utilizing and developing their skills in a way that demonstrates their importance to their communities and to the world at large. It is unfortunate to send them into a world feeling unloved but it is sabotage to send them into a world with no skills.

In other words, there is a disconnect that is greater than just whether or not the older generation likes the young generation. It extends to perception of what the younger generation needs and if the older generation can or is willing to fulfill that need. Below I listed 4 major changes to black youth that need to be considered when trying to reach us.

1. We do not view leadership the way older folks do. This does not mean we don’t appreciate the sacrifices of the older generation yet our leaders are coming from the studio and the business office, not the church. In fact, we don’t even go to church and those of us who do are all too aware of pastors who have sexual relationships with their parishioners, gossip about others instead of making them feel welcomed, and using god as an excuse not think critically and offer real solutions to real problems. In other words we are disillusioned with the origins of many older leaders and have begun looking elsewhere for our own.

2. We are concerned about our jobs. We want to work, we want love what we do, love who we do it with. The older model of working until retirement, working all day just to get by, working with one company for the rest of your life, and working with no fulfillment in and outside of your job is not only out of sync with our generation but out of sync with the general changes in the work force.

Who stays at the same job for 30 years? Please. I work to expand my skills so I can move on to the next big thing. Who works 80 hour weeks so they can retire at 65? Please. I am all about time flexibility and mini retirements throughout my lifetime. Working towards retirement implies that you hate your job and we don’t have time to do stuff we don’t like.

3. We do not identify solely around race. I for one am deeply concerned about gender related issues. Others are concerned about their sexuality. Most focus on their age and their income. What does this mean? It means making us chant in Swahili, going on and on about Kwanzaa, or discussing ad nauseum older leaders in the most uncontroversial way are pointless. If you are going to talk about race, don’t just focus on the oppression and don’t focus on the same old people in the same old way. You do us and the community a great disservice by acting as though nothing has happened beyond 1969.

4. We are part of the mainstream—for better or worse. Not only are we present in the mainstream but we are eager to join the mainstream. We see the wealth and we see the privilege and that’s what we want. I have said this before and I will say it again: African-Americans are AMERICANS. While we may have unique experiences we are not immune from the general trends of the nation. And in a capitalist system if it can be marketed and sold, it will.

There was a period of time when you couldn’t find a black movie to watch and had to stay up late just to hear some hip hop. Now we are every where—America and abroad—catering to a wide range of audiences. Young blacks are growing up feeling celebrated not ignored.

What does this mean? The trick is to empower us to create new images; to reclaim them and the own the institutions that create them, not boo hoo and go marching and bury the “n-word.” Whose battle was that? Not ours.

First of all I cant believe that in a little over two weeks we will be bringing in the new year. And let me say, what a year this has been! Honestly, this has been the best year of my 21 years on this planet (that I can clearly remember). Igraduated from college, got my first “real job,” found confidence to kick people out of my life who were toxic, and really started having a crush on myself! lol I became more confident and really starting appreciating life more. So I wrote down 5 things that I learned this year that I believe have made me a better person and have granted me a bit more sanity.

1. Do not underestimate the transformative power of college.

When I graduated I ran into people who honestly questioned why I went to college. “You don’t need a college education to get a good job.” Well first of all, a myriad of statistics refute that claim. The reality is college graduates earn more than non graduates; college graduates are more likely to be employed and stay employed; that the benefits of college extend to the person’s family and 70% of jobs require an education beyond high school. There are several reasons for this, many not related to productivity, but there you have it. However, this DOES NOT mean that a person with a college degree is BETTER than a person without. It just means that they will earn more. The issue is that people connect money earned with personal worth which is major social fallacy.

In any case, people look at college as a way to get a job and I definitely understand the pressure to do so. However, when I reflect on my college years, it becomes clear that there is more to college than job opportunities. How many “jobs” give you grants to study in any country and any topic of your choice with the requirement that you “learn something?” How many “jobs” are characterized by the freedom to learn and grow as a person and as a citizen? How many “jobs” hold the center of intellectual debates and democratic growth for an entire nation? How many “jobs” embody the aspirations and desires of people and have done so for centuries? The answer to these questions lies in my college experience. I would not be as strong intellectually and personally if I didn’t go to college. The environment is conducive to self reflection and taking ownership of one’s life; a stark difference from the “real world” where people just get by, do their 9 to 5, very rarely reflecting and working for personal change.

I tell my siblings to go to college not just for “job” prospects and advancing earning potential. Rather I tell them to go GROW. Go become more confident and take advantage of the fact that the only requirement of you for 4 years is that you learn—that you come out better than when you went in. That you take advantage of debate teams, art clubs, study abroad opportunities, and sports. That you indulge in this freedom, this potential to be your best—because it comes and goes so quickly and if you sleep on it you will lose it for good.

The battle we should wage is to make college affordable so that everyone can have this privilege and to strengthen the colleges that exist to retain and better help students who struggle. It is sickening that the amount of students facing prohibitive debt is increasing and that many colleges act as greedy businesses rather than places of opportunities for growth. Indeed, I recognize that my experience is not so common among my college educated peers; that many barely made it out of college with several dropping out and the ones who did share my experience tended to be wealthy. Fortunately, Congress is taking steps to address this problem—deciding on whether or not to require universities with certain endowments to spend a certain amount of money on financial aid. So there is work to be done, but the possibilities are worth it.

2. Be wary of the nonprofit mystique.

People get involved in non profits for the right reasons (usually). They want to change the world, eliminate social and economic injustice, and contribute to the greater good of their neighborhoods and countries. However, what people fail to realize is that not only is the nonprofit field huge (churches, hospitals, colleges/universities, your local community center, museums) and extremely wealthy (approx. $664.8 billion floating around in the nonprofit sphere in 1997 making up 6.1% of national income) but also each nonprofit is a social institution with its own culture. There are different rules, different types of leadership, and different working climates. Therefore, it is not just a nonprofit’s vision that you should look at: you should also examine how the organization works.

With this approach you will find that many nonprofits SUCK. There are horribly run, greedy, needy, weak, and defunct nonprofits out there that write nice mission statements to snare the optimistic excited young person starting their nonprofit career. Do not stick around at a nonprofit because you think it sounds good. Is it working well? Doing well? If the answer is no then keep it moving. It is ok to assess a nonprofit the way you assess a business. Indeed, since they claim to be in the business of helping people, there needs to be greater accountability.

3. Stay away from romanticizing people/places/events.

We all have people/places/events that we are very fond of. Many of us look back with nostalgia on major milestones in our lives. As evidenced above, I love my college experience and wouldn’t trade it for anything. However, it is all too easy for our love of something or someone to move very quickly to romanticization which can lead to dehumanization and distortion.

For example, how often have we heard stories that glorify poverty in developing nations as being “pure and true” living? How often have we watched people turn a blind eye to the savagery in our inner city neighborhoods because the kids are “so oppressed and can’t do any better?” How often have listened to older folks go on and on about the past—a past that was, for many, characterized by high rates of publicly supported domestic violence and grotesque business practices, laying the foundation for these issues to persist today?

When you romanticize a person, you dehumanize them by eliminating two things that make them human: agency and voice. I can promise you that while people are still dancing and singing in rural Africa at a special ceremony, the occasion does not eliminate their desire for clean water and housing. I know for a fact that kids, while poor, know better than to throw bricks at people and assault their neighbors.

And when you romanticize an event or place, you distort it, ignoring the bad and neglecting to see how far we have come and how much farther we need to go. While the past had its perks, we saw examples of savagery against the poor, against women, and against workers that is unparalleled in modern America (although obviously we still have work to do hence why we nonprofit workers exits).

So it is imperative to see the joy in your life and your community but still remain critical as to not let problems bubbling below the surface explode.

4. Having chemistry with someone doesn’t mean that they should be your lover.

This year I realized that I encountered many men with whom I had wonderful interactions and we both assumed that meant we were supposed to be lovers/partners. However, this doesn’t always need to be the case. In general I am attracted to men older than I am—who is to say that these men can’t be great mentors or friends? In fact, I think the desire to build a relationship off of what could be platonic chemistry actually ruins chances for great friendships. So now I take it slow and try not to underestimate the importance of building great non-romantic relationships.

5. Black pride is more than nice—it is necessary.

There are times when I am in awe of black history and the role of black Americans in the public imagination. A woman from a blog I frequent said it best so I won’t even try to imitate:

Because of my ancestry above all, I have had the drive and ambition to pursue those opportunities to the fullest, and have had a whole cavalcade of role models, from Dr. King and Malcolm X, to Bill Cosby himself, who are not only known to me and other black Americans, but are universally admired, from Thailand to Uruguay to Finland. I have a precious legacy like no other, and my gratitude for it is fathomless.
http://blackgirlshaven.blogspot.com/

The mistake that people make is assuming that pride automatically equates to hate/exclusion which is not true. And while black Americans are Americans whose existence is not totally separate from general American culture, we do have a unique history borne out of years of isolation, marginalization, and African origins; in fact I noticed many similarities between black Americans and Africans while I was in South Africa including food, music, hair/fashion, and how we socialize with each other.

But the bigger concern is our collective low self esteem that results in a kind of emotional savagery we inflict on each other that is unparalleled by whites. I have been made fun of for being dark skinned, for being smart, for my choice in clothes, for the way I speak, and for my interests. I have seen hatred by black men and black women towards each other, drastic acts of homophobia and all kinds of violence.

However the tragically low self esteem is not just a result of clinging to notions of whiteness as a guide; it is also comes from focusing on the sorrows of our history instead of our accomplishments. How on earth can we expect blacks to love being black when all we hear about is slavery and Jim Crow? Do people know that King had a PhD and that Malcolm X was self educated? Do people know about the snotty attitude of Zora Neale Hurston—who felt that she was not “tragically colored?” Are we aware of the intellectual power houses that have come before us and continue to be born every day? A positive identity is created not through oppression but through triumph—both experienced and learned.

So we must learn about the many accomplishments of our people and move forward.

The biggest problem for me when dating is that people (men and women) seem to associate material success with emotional needs. Far too often men wonder what they can “give me” since it is apparent that as an upwardly mobile young woman I can get most of what I need by myself. However, what I can obtain materially has nothing to do with what I need emotionally.

The whole dating scene confuses me. I would think that with women having more opportunities dating and marriage would be easier because instead of marrying for money, fear of destitution, or financial security people would marry because they are an emotional and personality match. All that money talk, while of course being an important conversation to have, is not the center of the relationship because both parties don’t have to worry about being taken care of or taking care of each other. Rather they can focus on fulfilling each other emotionally and spiritually.

Apparently I’m living in la-la land with this approach. In order for this to happen people have to redefine manhood not by what he provides materially but what he can do spiritually and we simply haven’t gotten that far. In fact there is a back lash—women are advancing too much and destroying men and their sense of manhood by not relying on them for money and financial security. When a man looks at me and says, “Well damn you have everything, what’s a brotha to do?” I list all of the things I would need from my man: companionship, affection, attention, a good sense of humor, and social awareness. What do any of these things have to do with his paycheck?

Perhaps the better argument to make is that men need to be financially stable in order to provide me with the emotional support I need. However, that is a very different argument from I am too financially stable for a man to love me. The latter argument makes no sense and says more about a faulty definition of manhood than it does about my actions. Everyone should strive for economic independence—I mean it is the year 2007 for crying out loud! But I’ll be damned if I am going to feel bad for taking care of myself and actually demanding excellence of person and strength of character in the men I date.

Or perhaps what men are really angry about is that they see women as competing with them for the very jobs they believe will make them whole. I certainly think this is case with black people—we compete with each other mercilessly. Rather than realizing that was has gotten us through white savagery has been a reorganization of the black family and black community with women being leaders (and note that this does not equate to a destruction of black people—hello!), we are starting to cling to problematic notions of manhood and womanhood that even white people started to slowly abandon in the 70s.

I truly believe that the shake up between black men and women in the dating field is the result of a lack of consciousness. Consciousness DOES NOT mean being anti-white; rather it means being aware of the beliefs and actions that are detrimental to your self esteem and self determination. It means realizing that the definition of manhood that emphasizes control and aggression actually makes you a weaker man as your self worth is determined on how many people you can dominate; it means acknowledging that playing the helpless female will make you dependent on other people for your salvation and survival and thus a non-existent individual. It means you do not spend your life on an endless quest for material possessions while ignoring the fact that you are still not happy.

Lack of consciousness, unfortunately for black people is seen as an aspect of freedom: white people don’t have to think so why should I? Integration has demanded that we release our vigilance when it comes to all matters (not just racial ones) and boy have we done a great job with that.

However, those who don’t think are quick to be dominated and filled with hatred and suspicion. They don’t know why they do the things they do, why they attract the people they attract, why they have so much yet have so little at the same time. They live without integrity: saying one thing and doing another. Talking with these people, they cling to material possessions or aggression to prove their worth without realizing that consciousness demands that you prove yourself in who and how you love.

Thank god I have identified this problem now so I can avoid it. I’m actually off the dating market INDEFINENTLY since I don’t have the energy to deal with the emotional and philosophical baggage that men are bringing to me. I’m all about making friends and am interested in people who are growing emotionally and spiritually REGARDLESS of their economic position (and please believe poor people aren’t the only ones who need some awakening).

It’s kind of refreshing.