Entry Level Living

My good friend Nat posted an interesting blog about internet dating. In general I’m a fan of meeting people online, however I think it’s making my F2F interactions more difficult.

Today on my way to work, a gentleman complimented me on how pretty I am and asked if I was taken. I smiled and said “yes” (even though I am so single I honestly think it seeps through my pores) and quickly looked away. He continued chatting with me politely and I continued smiling politely but my stomach was all in knots and after a few minutes he walked away.

I felt like such a dork. On the one hand, I can’t give my phone number to every Tom-Dick-and-Jamal that flashes me a smile and says I am pretty. In fact part of the reason why I am so reluctant to talking to men on the street is that—and I’m not tooting my own horn—it happens so frequently and so obnoxiously. Cat calls, stares, whispers and other adolescent attempts to get my attention do nothing but make walk away faster.

However, I can, at the very least be personable and friendly to people who are nice to me. Yet I also realize that part of my awkwardness stems from the fact that I meet all of the men I date online. Online dating really changes how I converse (or not converse) with men I see on a daily basis. Online, I can take my time and get to know the person via email and phone conversations. Men that I lose interest in or who I am not attracted to are washed away with the click of the delete button. Further, when we finally do meet, he has given me enough information about himself that talking in person is a piece of cake.

Yet when I meet someone on the street, there is no pre-established connection, no previews whatsoever. Everything is just on the fly—go with the flow.

In other words, there is no control. The internet gives me so much control over who I talk to and most importantly, whom I allow to talk to me.

Maybe I should ease up on using the internet and open myself to the unpredictable nature of F2F meeting.

Thoughts?

Whatever excitement I lack in my job I make up for in my dating life. My job for the past 8 months has been pretty steady with the boredom and foolishness. However, my dating life always has some unexpected curves.

For example, after putting myself back on the dating scene after a few months of laying low I met a wonderful guy. We instantly connected and have spent the past three months together. Three months is a long time, aint it? Well, it is to me. However, I sensed that maybe he was pulling back so I asked him straight up what the deal was. The conversation went a little something like this:

Him: Would it bother you if I had a girlfriend/wife?
Me: Do you?
Him: I like you but I have a girlfriend. How you wanna handle it?

Pause. Breathe.

This was the initial “I’m letting you know you’re just a side chick so don’t go thinking anything special will happen between us” conversation. We talked about it some more and I—being the admittedly lonely young woman that I am—agreed to see him once more. I wont get into the details but needless to say I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. Why? Because I am fully aware of the fact that he will never care for me the way I deserve to be, yet I settled for fifth place so I wouldn’t be alone.

And therein lies the problem.

My best friend told me that I wouldn’t put up with nonsense if I got more comfortable being alone. I agree whole heartedly. I find myself wishing too often for someone to fill up my time. I don’t like my job, I don’t like Philly, and I don’t have many friends here. So not only am I alone, I am unfulfilled and uninspired. All it takes is a little attention to make me feel good and I lose all common sense.

To top it off I came across this lovely article about how upwardly mobile/successful women have an incredibly difficult time landing men.

I am by no means successful and I have a horrible romance life. You mean it only gets worse from here?!!

Hoo-fricking-ray!

I am quick to tell someone that putting too much into your job—especially your first job—can leave you feeling frustrated and disappointed; that it’s important to have a balance between work and personal life. The problem with me is that my personal life clings on the idea of being completed by someone leaving me more prone to romantic frustration and disappointment.

The more I think about it the more I realize that I need to work on completing myself.

Any suggestions?

First, I had an amazing weekend. I relaxed, did a little bit of work, applied for jobs, and went out with the first sweet guy I have met in a really long time.

This gentleman and I hit it off immediately. The setting was laid back and we were just vibing–being open and enjoying each other’s company. At one point he says to me, “I cant believe someone like you would date someone like me.” When I asked him what he meant, he proceeded to explain that he usually doesnt get college girls–he said he felt weird, almost like he wasnt good enough since he is not a college grad.

This isnt the first time that this has come up. In general most of the men I date and am attracted to tend be, for lack of a better word, average–not particularly stunning, not particularly outstanding in conventional ways. Yet there is always something about the men that I date that makes me fall for them. The ease of communication, the no bullshit attitude, and the familiarity of lifestyle make it so much easier for me to form relationships with them. Sure, I went to an uppity school full of uppity people and have adapted some uppity ways, but when push comes to shove I retreat to what’s most familiar even though as I get older, I grow further and further away from it (which is both negative and positive).

There is a part of me that, on the one hand is proud of my academic accomplishments yet has dedicated myself to using my knowledge to better the lives of others and feels generally useless when I sit around patting myself on the back. Therefore, talking just to hear myself talk is counter productive. You cant look down on the people whom you believe are being systematically treated unfairly. How often have I heard, “Oh my god poverty is so bad, but ew, he doesnt have this job/he talks this way/he cant give me this/I cant get along with them/etc etc” The very premise is hypocritical to me.

However, there are big differences. For one, my education is extremely important to me. I love reading and writing and it is difficult to, say, discuss progressive ideas of black masculinity with someone who hasn’t even encountered the view that there is something wrong with current black masculinities. A major issue that comes up is language/speech. I sound, and I say this with the acknowledgment that the phrase is problematic, like white girl (except when Im pissed–then it’s all street, for real). Just as I must explain to my friends and family why my man is working class, he must also explain to his friends why he is dating an uppity black girl. (My date and I got into all of these issues. God it felt so good to have it all on the table).

Not to mention the gender dynamics: I am a woman who is “smarter” and has better job opportunities–what does this mean for traditional views of manhood? Perhaps it wouldnt be a big deal if I were not college educated yet the man I dated was…girls are supposed to marry up, right?

Thus, in general, I find it difficult to discuss potential class problems in a relationship–I dont want to come off as holier than thou yet I dont want hide part of my personality. My biggest discomfort comes from the assumption that a college degree makes me a “good” person and that a person’s job dictates their value. Not to mention the extremely unsettling notion that I am entering a relationship looking to be taken care off. The very idea of it is so patronizing that I would burn my degree if I even thought of chasing a man simply because of his material possessions (in general I have a really difficult time being babied. I just dont like it–even pet names sometimes rub me the wrong way–this is the unfortunate result of my education lol).

If I teach high school in Philly, for example, making 35K, there are train conductors who make more than that. Technically, he makes more money than I do, yet he would still, because of the job he has be seen as unable to provide for me and “not good enough.” No one asks if he treats me right; if I am happy; how we met; what we do together; what our plans for the future are. Nope. The first question? “What does he do?” And from my answer all judgments are passed.

Sad isnt it? Kind of surprising since historically blacks have been denied access (and in many ways continue to be) to many jobs and social mobility. Thus it would have been insane and downright cruel to say to our mothers and fathers–”hey you are less than because of the job you have.” Grandma took care of white folks. Momma drove buses. And I love them dearly. I guess with greater mobility we feel free to be elitist although the notion is still problematic.

1. Would you date a woman/man of a different class? Why/why not?

2. If you have what were your experiences?

3. How can we (romatically/friendship wise) work through class barriers? Is this even necessary?

I have been single for over a year and a half. While people say I should be out “dating and seeing what’s out there” (i.e. be a WHORE) that’s really not my style. I already know what’s out there and frankly I am dying to be rescued. I find that kind of behavior only encourages feelings of isolation and loneliness as the relationships are superficial.

I love to be loved and I love to be in love. I am a hopeless romantic and I miss the excitement of being in a relationship. I miss text messages for no reason, staying on the phone although we have nothing to say, sitting in silence for hours all because we enjoy the simple pleasure of being in each other’s company. I miss having someone to look forward to seeing, someone to gossip with, someone to call me on my shit. I miss being able to call someone at 4 in the morning because I can’t sleep and having him call me because he is mad and needs to vent. I miss the vulnerability that comes with making up after a fight and the stress and excitement that comes with finally understanding and accepting who that person is. I miss realizing that I am in love and wiping my tears when I realize that he loves me.

I’ve been dating on and off for a while and the experience has been dreadful. If they are cute they are dumb as rocks and if they are smart they are arrogant know-it-all f*cks! I don’t need to be wined and dined which attracts a lot of men who want a break from “you betta have XXX if you wanna holla at me” (even though these women themselves may lack every single item they demand). All I request is a down to earth hard working man with good conversation, an open heart, and a vicious dick game. Is that too much??

To combat the feelings of loneliness, people offer the worse advice ever: focus on my job. I’m sorry, but since when does a job replace human affection? In fact if you ever see me letting a job take over my life and replace developing positive relationships, please pull me to the side and ask me to reflect and reevaluate. ’m not one of those people who chases big paychecks and dreams of climbing the corporate life for the sake of it. We already know that while a job can save your life by moving you out of poverty and allowing you to better take care of yourself, after a certain amount it really has no impact on your level of happiness or satisfaction with life. Thus, I refuse to chase things that don’t have clear demonstrable merit.

So where does that leave me? No, I’m not chasing a man relentlessly to the point where I lose perspective and balance in my life. But I need to be real…I love being in love! I dont dream of big houses and cars and money–I dream of a loving husband, potlucks with friends, and amazing sex. Lots of the latter…hehehehe

First of all I cant believe that in a little over two weeks we will be bringing in the new year. And let me say, what a year this has been! Honestly, this has been the best year of my 21 years on this planet (that I can clearly remember). Igraduated from college, got my first “real job,” found confidence to kick people out of my life who were toxic, and really started having a crush on myself! lol I became more confident and really starting appreciating life more. So I wrote down 5 things that I learned this year that I believe have made me a better person and have granted me a bit more sanity.

1. Do not underestimate the transformative power of college.

When I graduated I ran into people who honestly questioned why I went to college. “You don’t need a college education to get a good job.” Well first of all, a myriad of statistics refute that claim. The reality is college graduates earn more than non graduates; college graduates are more likely to be employed and stay employed; that the benefits of college extend to the person’s family and 70% of jobs require an education beyond high school. There are several reasons for this, many not related to productivity, but there you have it. However, this DOES NOT mean that a person with a college degree is BETTER than a person without. It just means that they will earn more. The issue is that people connect money earned with personal worth which is major social fallacy.

In any case, people look at college as a way to get a job and I definitely understand the pressure to do so. However, when I reflect on my college years, it becomes clear that there is more to college than job opportunities. How many “jobs” give you grants to study in any country and any topic of your choice with the requirement that you “learn something?” How many “jobs” are characterized by the freedom to learn and grow as a person and as a citizen? How many “jobs” hold the center of intellectual debates and democratic growth for an entire nation? How many “jobs” embody the aspirations and desires of people and have done so for centuries? The answer to these questions lies in my college experience. I would not be as strong intellectually and personally if I didn’t go to college. The environment is conducive to self reflection and taking ownership of one’s life; a stark difference from the “real world” where people just get by, do their 9 to 5, very rarely reflecting and working for personal change.

I tell my siblings to go to college not just for “job” prospects and advancing earning potential. Rather I tell them to go GROW. Go become more confident and take advantage of the fact that the only requirement of you for 4 years is that you learn—that you come out better than when you went in. That you take advantage of debate teams, art clubs, study abroad opportunities, and sports. That you indulge in this freedom, this potential to be your best—because it comes and goes so quickly and if you sleep on it you will lose it for good.

The battle we should wage is to make college affordable so that everyone can have this privilege and to strengthen the colleges that exist to retain and better help students who struggle. It is sickening that the amount of students facing prohibitive debt is increasing and that many colleges act as greedy businesses rather than places of opportunities for growth. Indeed, I recognize that my experience is not so common among my college educated peers; that many barely made it out of college with several dropping out and the ones who did share my experience tended to be wealthy. Fortunately, Congress is taking steps to address this problem—deciding on whether or not to require universities with certain endowments to spend a certain amount of money on financial aid. So there is work to be done, but the possibilities are worth it.

2. Be wary of the nonprofit mystique.

People get involved in non profits for the right reasons (usually). They want to change the world, eliminate social and economic injustice, and contribute to the greater good of their neighborhoods and countries. However, what people fail to realize is that not only is the nonprofit field huge (churches, hospitals, colleges/universities, your local community center, museums) and extremely wealthy (approx. $664.8 billion floating around in the nonprofit sphere in 1997 making up 6.1% of national income) but also each nonprofit is a social institution with its own culture. There are different rules, different types of leadership, and different working climates. Therefore, it is not just a nonprofit’s vision that you should look at: you should also examine how the organization works.

With this approach you will find that many nonprofits SUCK. There are horribly run, greedy, needy, weak, and defunct nonprofits out there that write nice mission statements to snare the optimistic excited young person starting their nonprofit career. Do not stick around at a nonprofit because you think it sounds good. Is it working well? Doing well? If the answer is no then keep it moving. It is ok to assess a nonprofit the way you assess a business. Indeed, since they claim to be in the business of helping people, there needs to be greater accountability.

3. Stay away from romanticizing people/places/events.

We all have people/places/events that we are very fond of. Many of us look back with nostalgia on major milestones in our lives. As evidenced above, I love my college experience and wouldn’t trade it for anything. However, it is all too easy for our love of something or someone to move very quickly to romanticization which can lead to dehumanization and distortion.

For example, how often have we heard stories that glorify poverty in developing nations as being “pure and true” living? How often have we watched people turn a blind eye to the savagery in our inner city neighborhoods because the kids are “so oppressed and can’t do any better?” How often have listened to older folks go on and on about the past—a past that was, for many, characterized by high rates of publicly supported domestic violence and grotesque business practices, laying the foundation for these issues to persist today?

When you romanticize a person, you dehumanize them by eliminating two things that make them human: agency and voice. I can promise you that while people are still dancing and singing in rural Africa at a special ceremony, the occasion does not eliminate their desire for clean water and housing. I know for a fact that kids, while poor, know better than to throw bricks at people and assault their neighbors.

And when you romanticize an event or place, you distort it, ignoring the bad and neglecting to see how far we have come and how much farther we need to go. While the past had its perks, we saw examples of savagery against the poor, against women, and against workers that is unparalleled in modern America (although obviously we still have work to do hence why we nonprofit workers exits).

So it is imperative to see the joy in your life and your community but still remain critical as to not let problems bubbling below the surface explode.

4. Having chemistry with someone doesn’t mean that they should be your lover.

This year I realized that I encountered many men with whom I had wonderful interactions and we both assumed that meant we were supposed to be lovers/partners. However, this doesn’t always need to be the case. In general I am attracted to men older than I am—who is to say that these men can’t be great mentors or friends? In fact, I think the desire to build a relationship off of what could be platonic chemistry actually ruins chances for great friendships. So now I take it slow and try not to underestimate the importance of building great non-romantic relationships.

5. Black pride is more than nice—it is necessary.

There are times when I am in awe of black history and the role of black Americans in the public imagination. A woman from a blog I frequent said it best so I won’t even try to imitate:

Because of my ancestry above all, I have had the drive and ambition to pursue those opportunities to the fullest, and have had a whole cavalcade of role models, from Dr. King and Malcolm X, to Bill Cosby himself, who are not only known to me and other black Americans, but are universally admired, from Thailand to Uruguay to Finland. I have a precious legacy like no other, and my gratitude for it is fathomless.
http://blackgirlshaven.blogspot.com/

The mistake that people make is assuming that pride automatically equates to hate/exclusion which is not true. And while black Americans are Americans whose existence is not totally separate from general American culture, we do have a unique history borne out of years of isolation, marginalization, and African origins; in fact I noticed many similarities between black Americans and Africans while I was in South Africa including food, music, hair/fashion, and how we socialize with each other.

But the bigger concern is our collective low self esteem that results in a kind of emotional savagery we inflict on each other that is unparalleled by whites. I have been made fun of for being dark skinned, for being smart, for my choice in clothes, for the way I speak, and for my interests. I have seen hatred by black men and black women towards each other, drastic acts of homophobia and all kinds of violence.

However the tragically low self esteem is not just a result of clinging to notions of whiteness as a guide; it is also comes from focusing on the sorrows of our history instead of our accomplishments. How on earth can we expect blacks to love being black when all we hear about is slavery and Jim Crow? Do people know that King had a PhD and that Malcolm X was self educated? Do people know about the snotty attitude of Zora Neale Hurston—who felt that she was not “tragically colored?” Are we aware of the intellectual power houses that have come before us and continue to be born every day? A positive identity is created not through oppression but through triumph—both experienced and learned.

So we must learn about the many accomplishments of our people and move forward.